The Inevitable (AKA, I am old) (AKA, I love Birbigs)

I do not understand why people hasten the inevitable. For instance, I know two men who consistently lie upward about their age. One in my trainer, who always makes himself a year older, and the other is one of my pharmacists who makes himself 50, even though he isn't yet, and could easily pass for being about 40.

Whenever Al, my trainer, says he's 54, I say, "Al, why do you hasten the inevitable? You're 53." And Al says, "Yeah, I know. What's the difference?"

Whenever Bruce, my pharmacist, says he's 50, I say, "No you're not, you dork! Why do you insist on saying that? You're not even 49!" And Bruce says, "Yeah, I know. But what's the difference?"

What's the difference?! I am sure not the person to ask! I *freaked out* when I turned 27! I actually thought, "Well, what's a good lie? How old can I say I am, but still be, like, a grownup, and have my timeline of work experience not be suspect?" I think I settled on 24, but it was a moot point, because nobody asked me once, in 12 months, how old I was. Then I turned 28 and stopped giving a shit. Because I'm NOT old. I guess.

I was leaving my apartment the other day with my roommate, and at the last minute, I shot back in because I wanted to grab this CD I just bought. Amanda said, "Oh, what CD is it?"

I said, "It's that guy I was telling you about that I LOVE, Mike Birbiglia!"

"Oh yeah!" she said.

"Oh man, he is so freakin' awesome, " I said, engaging in my new favorite pastime, aside from talking about how awesome Seth Green is and how awesome Beck is, which is talking about how awesome Birbigs is. "He's like wicked young. He's our age."

Medium-length pause. Followed by, "Oh."

"What?" I said.

"Well, when you said young..." Amanda said.

"Oh, right," I said. "I forgot. You don't think we're young."

"We're not," said Amanda.

I do not feel quite as comfortable lying about my age now, which I apparently should be doing, see as how I am now old. Again. And what with all the views and stereotypes of the so-called "mature" or "non-traditional" student, which I am due soon to be, I really need to get my ass to work on tricking people. Alas, I think it might not work. Here's why.

Last night I was at a liquor store in Skaneatles and I happened to spy a bottle of the particular kind of dry sherry my dad favors, which I was unable to find around the holidays. Anywhere. I picked it up and took it over to the counter for purchase, whereupon I asked the lady, "Do you know why this stuff is so difficult to find?"

"No, I don't," she said. Which was fine. Almost nobody (myself included) knows anything about sherry, because almost nobody (myself included) drinks it, because it's repulsive.

"Okay, well. I'm glad you have it," I said, and pulled out my wallet, which contains my money and my driver's license.

WHICH SHE DID NOT ASK FOR.

Didn't even bat an eye! Just told me my total and sent my on my merry way with a bottle of alcohol as if to say, "Sure! You look old enough to drink that!"

Well that's true! I do! But I wasn't going to, because it's repulsive, and she didn't have to imply such a thing!

And I didn't even notice that she didn't ID me, until today, when I saw the same item for six dollars cheaper elsewhere, got annoyed about that, and then got annoyed about the other thing.

Hence, the Inevitable.

Seth Green, Beck and Mike Birbiglia are awesome.